The Friday Brunch is the ‘it’ thing in Dubai, from the multiple award winning French brunch at Traiteur to the opulent party brunch at Saffron, Atlantis at The Palm. It is, however, the luxurious Al Qasr that really attracts Dubai’s who’s who. Al Qasr is one of Dubai’s most majestic hotels oozing with grandeur from the moment you drive up to the entrance. We arrived 45 minutes early (because we’re a bit sad like that) and luckily got to see the chefs and staff in full action setting up various stations and perfecting final touches to ice sculptures, rouge roses and cupid water fountains in time for the Valentine’s Day special brunch.

Bearing in mind that this is one of Dubai’s most indulgent feasts, I figured that at £100 per head (note: this price does NOT include alcohol) I was going to stuff my face to the point of implosion and enter true ‘food coma’ state.  Accordingly, I decided to wear my All Saints baggy printed tee and comfy ripped jeans because, well, nothing shouts trendy tramp louder than an All Saints outfit. I wore my flat shoes having pre-empted the copious trips I would be making to the buffet stations. It’s fair to say that more thought had gone into this one brunch outfit than I had even given to my own wedding outfit. It soon, however, became apparent that I was in the minority. The lobby was swarming with fully caked women in their skin tight LBDs (little black dresses), red soles and Louis Vuitton handbags on show. Even the men looked immaculate, many donning Ralph Lauren shirts and Boss chinos.

“Have we come to a brunch or a club?!” I quietly muttered to Mr.N. Covertly observant Mr.N rightly reminded me that this was probably the sort of place where most people wanted to be seen and consequently, where food was a secondary priority. It’s funny because in London the elite deliberately go out of their way to look like hobos yet in Dubai the rich actually look rich.

The brunch spread is mind boggling. The Arboretum hosts an impressive sushi hub offering the freshest tuna and hamachi sashimi and beautiful sushi rolls. There were also sumptuous canapés from foie gras terrine with raspberry and mango jus to scallop sausages with pineapple salsa and beetroot gel. In the outdoor terrace and you will find every cuisine under the sun including but not limited to:

Indian station serving pani puri to lamb rogan josh

Italian station serving fresh pasta

Asian station serving duck pancakes, chicken satay and dim sum

Middle Eastern station serving grilled meats and chicken shawarmas

Mexican station serving quesadillas and burritos

Spanish station showcasing varieties of seafood and meat paella

English station serving tarragon battered fish and chips with vinegar in pipettes

Breakfast station serving eggs benedict and red velvet pancakes

You can take the girl out of England but you can’t take England out of the girl….yes, you guessed it, my favourite was the fish and chips! The herby crispy tarragon batter and flaky fish just did it for me. A great place in London where they cook a delicious tarragon battered cod is The Castle near Farringdon Station and is one of my favourite pubs. The chicken shawarma was a close runner up and undoubtedly the tastiest shawarma I have had.

I had heard that despite its best efforts to draw in refined crowds, Al Qasr also appeals to boozy British ex pats eager to splash their tax free income. Mr.N witnessed this first hand in the form of a rather drunk young girl in a fluorescent orange dress trying to juggle about three plates and two Aperol Spritzers! Shock horror, the twit managed to smash everything on the floor and we all wonder why we get such a bad rep abroad.

Mr N and I were done with munching our way through the savoury counters and decided that after a well-deserved break we would finally take on the mighty beast aka the dessert station. Brace yourself for this: mango spaghetti with cupcake meatballs, macaroon brownie burgers with mango cheese, candy pan pizza with a chocolate chip crust served with raspberry ketchup and vanilla mayo, rose macaroons, lemon meringue cupcakes, raspberry éclairs, strawberry cheesecakes, blueberry Milton pies, red velvet cakes, eton mess, Belgian mousse, Victoria sponge, vanilla panna cotta, biskelia chocolate financier (note: this is not a banker dipped in chocolate), popcorn, rainbow marshmallows and the list goes on and on. I got diabetes just looking at the desserts.

That wasn’t it though, of course not, there was a choco kebab and a liquid nitrogen salted caramel ice cream station. It doesn’t finish there. There is another room, Al Hambra, where you can treat yourself to the ice cream van, traditional Middle Eastern sweets and dark, milk and white chocolate fountains. Walk a bit further and you’ll stumble across a pig station serving everything pig related, for religious reasons this is kept separate from the main restaurant.

There was a real party vibe on the terrace with the soulful singer busting out her own unique spin on Justin Bieber’s latest bangers but I also felt like there had been an epic party in my mouth with these exotic international flavours happily dancing with each other and wild sweets eccentrically bouncing off the walls and creating havoc.

Mr N and I realised that we had to throw in the towel when we couldn’t even muster the strength to peel ourselves off our seats, that baggy tee really wasn’t a bad idea after all. Next time I visit Dubai I will try one of the other famous brunches, this was a ‘been there, done that, could no longer fit into my t-shirt’ sort of place. We had a truly magnificent experience and one that we will not forget.

Tips: Unless your name is Gigi Hadid, don’t attempt to wear a tight bodycon dress here unless you are going for the food baby bump look.

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Food: 9/10   Atmosphere: 9/10   Value: 8.5/10